Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
