Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
