im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
