Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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