Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
