I hate your face
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
