My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
