While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
