Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
