i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
