just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
