The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize