Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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