Betty ford says i'm here all night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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