i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
