I like my sex mixed with concussions.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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