Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Randomize
