Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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