Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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