I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Michael Bay diarrhea
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
