Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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