Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
