Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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