How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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