well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
