Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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