is your mom at the bar?
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
