Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He passed out mid-signature
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
