we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I can't turn off my feet"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
