I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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