Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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