none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
