sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
