i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
