You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
