I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
