I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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