They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i think we sleep fucked last night...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
