I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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