I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just cropdusted the office
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
