Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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