My room smells like vodka and shame
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Ladies don't puke and tell
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
