On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
