3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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