I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
