I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
