Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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