I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
