Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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