Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
