The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
