i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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