see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize