i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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