New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
