The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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