i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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