I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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