So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
