Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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